A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
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wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
choose your fighter
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.