4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
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Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
My last name is Zilla.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
how much for the angry fruit?
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry