in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
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COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.