ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
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Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I really had high hopes for this year though
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.