Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
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Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
it must be school picture day
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
lost dog
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.