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I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Happy birthday to all the women
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I wish this was real life…
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes