I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
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Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!