call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
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Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!