Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
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C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
mechanics be like
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Meow
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread