Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
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“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.