My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
You Might Also Like
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”