It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
You Might Also Like
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again