Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex