[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
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[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.