Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
You Might Also Like
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok