The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
You Might Also Like
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*