If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
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The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running