[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
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PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
When news reporters do sports stories
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker