Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
You Might Also Like
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Made something I’m not proud of
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses