Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
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I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.