*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
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Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.