I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
You Might Also Like
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.