I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
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I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
scared to check what name she chose
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
The days of good grammer has went
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?