Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
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DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.