Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
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Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
I support this random dude and all his protests
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
buying dead houseplants to save time
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.