I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
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Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
#CatsOnTwitter
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?