me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
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Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed