It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
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Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Breaking news:
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.