[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
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I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
cry laughing at this shit
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet