I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
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ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years