[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
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Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal