My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
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My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no