Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
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INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !