Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
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[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.