When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
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Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.