*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
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Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
6: are snakes just neck?
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂