WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
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[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes