Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
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The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I was up all night reading about insomnia
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them