[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
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CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
How to find Kentucky on a map
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I am HOWLING at this
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.