If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
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My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”