Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
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how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Cha-ching is my safe word
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.