Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.

“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”

– My current favorite child

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy

Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.

Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.