Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
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Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
OKAY DAD
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?