My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
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I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Ovenable?
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Favourite diary entry ever
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
dogs can find happiness so easily
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.