your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
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me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
And then there were 4
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
For those that worship cheese..
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.