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imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.