I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
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The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters