These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
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I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”