Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
You Might Also Like
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Rt to bother an English speaker
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Social distancing in Australia:
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.