Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
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Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
we’re gonna need another temp
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
*exercises sarcastically*
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]